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| I'm feeling cold today
Not Hurt just Fucked away
I'm devastated and frustrated
God I feel so bound...
So this is what the onset of desperation feels like. It begins, after telling an old flame that you kind of miss them, they turn around and tell you how hot ther newly-ex boyfriend is, and how great he looks naked. At the same time, basically telling you that your not good-looking. It also hits home after your ex tells them they have been through and ended an entire relationship since the one you two had, and it's only been four months. This is it. This is how it feels to want someone in your life so bad you physically feel it. It also sets in, when your dreams remind you that you havn't kissed anyone in four months after being rather used to kissing someone for two years. This is that... sensation? no, not a word to describe how I feel, sensation sounds like a word that should be equated to good feelings.
Suffice to say, I'm not in the best of moods. And I have no place to vent but here. My best friend is 80 miles away in Fort Collins, and my other is at work. I have so much work to do this weekend, as I have had for the past week, that I can't get out of the house, and I'm really needing to.
My parents keep pushing me to joins clubs and crap at school so that "you make new friends" but thats not really something I want to do. I mean, yeah I want more people I can hang out with, but as it is I barely have the time. True, it might be a way that I can meet some nice girls, maybe get a date, but it the pressure from my parents and friends I don't need. Yes, I would like to leave the house, but I can make my own friends as I choose. I don't think it helps being slightly under 21 either. I'll see a cute girl at a club or something, know she's around my age, but atleast 21 (bracelet/stamp gives it away) and because I'm only 20, I can't offer to buy her a drink.
The girl I'm interested at school has basically turned me down. I had kinda asked her out, and called later to set up a date (twice) with no answer, and now that we're seeing each other at school agian, she hardley gives me any time-of-day, when before she would talk to me, and/or smile and such. so... Ignored = ain't happening ... I do believe.
So yes, I'm feeling lonely, on the verge of desperation, but mostly just lonely. I wish I had time to hang out this week, but as it is I barely have time to write this post. I didn't get out last weekend, I was sick most of this and last week... so tired... so much to do, and so little time... makes for much stress!
See, when your lonely, you do stupid things, like telling an ex that you miss them a little... stupid .stupid. stupid. Stupid thing.
The only bright candle i'm seeing right now is that my parents bought me plane tickets to Hawaii. Arn't they awesome! They really are, I'd go crazy if not for them. I mean my parents, not the tickets... So, mid-may I'll fly out, and be back in denver the 31st. I'll just be me, sierra is taking a trip of her own elsewhere, so I'll hang in hawaii for a bit, sleeping at my uncles who lives out there. Spend some time hanging with him, but otherwise wandering around the island(s). (I add the 's', because we'll see if I get around to the others.)
Untill then, I'm just trying to get through school, and through life. Someone.... get me out into the world for a while would ya?
...Right now
Can't find a way
To get accross the hate
When I see you
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| So who would have thought that when I said I'd post soon, it would turn out to be a week later... oh wait, thats how it usually goes.
So, this past week I mostly been sick, laying around my room doing homework. Not fun, it started on Sunday, but I thought I would be able to get through it quick, Moday I felt worse, but still went to class, and after that I felt rather crappy, and missed classes on Wednesday. Went again Friday, and today I'm still a bit better, but not tops.
That last post will remain at that, past and unlengthened. Long-story-short, I was helpful, but unhelped in return. I'm stuck in a past where I don't belong, and not looking forward to a future in which all I see is work, work, and more work. I'm sorry, but i'm not one who can work all the time. There is so much else in life to look at and do, instead of showing up into the same cubicle day after day, only to one-day realize that ten years have passed by. Especially now, when this is the prime of my life. We're only going to get older, get weaker, and get more in debt. (even the rich are in debt, its not always monetary).
The thing about being sick is that it only compounds problems and stress, there is always stuff to do, and now there is make-up as well. Might explain why my mood isn't so up-n-up. I mean, yeah, I wanted an extra week off after spring-break, but I didn't want it that way. Of course, beggars can't be choosers.
Ina similar tangent, I have barely left my house all week. it sucks a little. Yes, I like to be home, and have no problem doing so, but I really like to get out. I need more friends, local friends, so that I can go places and hang out. damnit.
As for spring break, I worked half of it, and chilled the rest. Hit the Church on thursday night, that was fun, and alot more my style then the Goth night. Jerrome and I smoked the place... alright, well, we really just chilled around. But he did talk to some ladies that night, woots for him. I need to, I just havn't been so up for it lately. I didn't realize how... well, thats a subject for my closer friends, not a blog... so BAM! *OMITTED!*
I have more to say, but if I did this would become a hella-long post. So.. maybe later. On the bright side, here in a couple of pay-checks, I'm going shopping for a pair (yes, 2) of flat-screen LCD monitors for my compy. See, if I had a girlfrind, I'd spend the money on her, but since I don't, I can throw it at my computer... here's $700+ for a pair of monitors... in a while later, a new lappy (I'll post specs later). Sometimes, being single ain't so bad.... just gotta find some time to work, if only the homework would be letting up. (Ha!)
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS! (Although I have no jokes here, sorry)
... All I need is a little piece of heaven. | | |
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This week March 27 through April 2
The Solar Eclipse in your opposite sign of Aries on Wednesday may bring about a change in the status of your relationships. This is a time of new beginnings and of hope. If one relationship has recently come to an end, you now get a chance to start out fresh. Perhaps you are enjoying the feeling of being on your own again and a chance to date others without getting really serious. Or maybe you already have someone in mind and the Eclipse will bring your relationship much closer than you thought possible at this stage.
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Well, Here's hoping! And here we go, spring break over, and back to school tomorrow. Shame though, I wish I had more time off.
Otherwise, I'll post longer later, about the week and such, but I am really not in the best of moods currently, and chose to reserve my words so that I do not say something which I may regret, or offend/hurt another person. I'll catch you all later, Wish me luck on this week!
...but you're just a line in my blog
Drop a heart and break a name ... | | |
| Well, well, I've let this go without a post for quite some time, havn't I?
Which means, of course, that this will be a long post.
So last weekend I worked on homework for the most part, and stress out quiet a bit. James, Jerrome, and I went to The Church nightclub on Sunday to meet up with Annabell and some of her friends. That was allright, it was Goth night, and although I may often dress darkly or even in all black, I am by no stretch "goth" and James, and Jerrome are even futher removed than I am. But we went, saw somw freaky, freaky people, chatted with annabell a bit, then took off kind of early, primarily because I had a 9am class later that monday morning. To be honest, I thought the music would have been.. harsher, or more like the music played in 'Club Hel' in 'The Matrix'. But it was rather soft-core Nine Inch Nails and even happier stuff. Not saying it's bad music, just that it's not what I expected. On the other hand, before we left for te club, we whipped out some old-school Smash Brothers on my N64... gonna have to do that more often.
The school week itself was incredably stressful, with a 4-page paper, a couple-hour drawing, and a mid-term all on wednesday, wich meant the first half of my week was non-stop homework. I'm not to happy with how I did on the Electronics mid-term. That class is quite a bit challenging, and moves rapidly. I feel pretty darn happy with my 4-page paper seeing as how I didn't do half the research I should have, but I feel it reads nicely. Here's hoping the teacher agrees. As far as the drawing, well, it wasn't what I wanted from it, it was really more of a photo-montage, and I didn't have the base photos I wanted, and coun't find them either. So I put something togather wich hints at what I wanted, and what I wanted to portray, but in all honesty, I think I will re-attempt this one in the future. We will see how critiqe goes next monday.
Basicaly since the end of wednesday I have been on spring-break, although I had a class on Friday, I was only physically present for the class, with the exception of a few moments, which have very little to do with class at all.... so here's the big happy, happy, joy, joy of Friday:
There is a girl in my Friday class, who is also in my Art History class. She had caught my eye since the first week of classes. Over these last two months, I have slowly gotten over my shyness and started talking to her more and more. Well, on Friday I finally got up the courage to get her number, as well as prompt for lunch or dinner. She gave me a kind of shy "possibly" but a little bit later, after talking more, I decided that is was a good possibly, not a "probably not"... here's hoping! Anyhow, I'm going to be calling her and seeing if we can't hang out a couple times this week, espeially since it is our spring break. I just wish the snow would help, by stopping!
Needless to say, I've been walking on cloud-nine since Friday. It's also kind of nice to notice that I am coming out of my shell again, and my confidenc is returning. It helps that I am starting to make friends down here. There was a bit more up at CSU then I had realized, and in hind-sight I had more firends and fun then I had realized. Of course, that was not the reason I had left CSU, it was the 60 person long waiting list for any beginning graphic design class. I wasn't going to wait. And while I'm not in GD classes down here yet, I am in classes that I wished CSU offered to prepare me for the graphic design classes. I am learning quite a bit. Then there is my Friday class, which I must admit, is lame. The projects are just time-consuming beginner stuff which should be offered freshman year of high school, so that we could move on by college. Of Course, Metro just requires for anyone who wants to be an art major, although I am a sophomore art major trasfer. Oh well.
Friday night I went to James' house since that was going to be the last day he was in town for his spring break.It was me, him, Jacob, Jack, Amanda, my sister, and her bf, and that ws it. We just played video-game after video-game and had a great time, although by about mid-night all that remained was Jacob, James and Myself. Odd to have such and earlyy leave of people. The three of us coninued playing games, and finished out the event by playing several hours of Burnout 3. AA new game to me, but rather entertaining, and frustrating. At about 4am we decided it was time to head out, especially since James was making the drive out later that day. Good stuff. There's not really to many other people I'd rather hang out with.. well, would have been nice if Jerrome showed up, but he makes deciscions which are different than ours sometimes. Not saying they are bad or good, just different, He has other groups to hang out with as well. As long as he doesn't take it to far. otherwise, as we all are, he is his own individual person.
On Saturday, I was up by 8am (yay, usual 4 hours of sleep) as Sierra had a Competition for Winter Percussion. The more I see they're show, that more I like it. It was a long of running around, and these competitions usually are, but in the end, Sheridan came up 4th place, which is an awesome jump from they're previous competition. Legacy, Dana's new group, took first by a decent margin. So as much as I was cheering for Sheridan, I also have some loyalties to my old instructor, and was glad that if Sheridan didn't make first, it was that group. Honestly, I only see Sheridan moving up in the ranks, so it will be interesting to see a bunch of old Dana instructed kids go up against his new set.
Then yesturday was a relax and recoup day, since we didn't get home and to bed till about 11:30pm. yay full days and progressivly rainy at that.
And so here I am today.. sopposed to be working, but writing this short novel instead. I also have a little homework to do for next week, and a couple personal projects to get on as well. And above all, a phone call to make. So I need to gather up the gusto and do that as well. Over all, this is going to shape up to be an exciting and relaxing week. Especially if the snow stops and some green-and-blue days are in my future.
I'll catch you all later. Call me up if you want to do something, since as I said I'm finally on spring-break... just a week after everyone else. Ciao! | | |
| So... I'm about to give up on sleep all around... last night after staying up till about 1:30ish am, I go to bed to have the anime I was watching mix with the homework I was working on in my dreams....
Instead of finding the distance between alternating current cycles by observing the sine wave, I was timing the distance between explosions of bombs as they were dropped from an airplane. Every time a bomb dropped, I would wake up and stare at my alarm clock until the minute changed, then my mind would compute the equation, and I'd look for my pen and paper-pad which I swore was right in front of me. I would get so pissed that I could not find my pad and paper to write down the answer that I would just sit there staring at my side-table until my mind finally woke up enough to realize that I was only dreaming, then I would pull the covers up and try to fall back to sleep...
As soon as I did, the cycle would start again.. the next bomb would drop and I would find myself again staring at my alarm clock.... then serching for the pad and pen... over and over... the times stuck in my head. 3:04am, 3:15am, 3:17am, 3:21am, 3:30am, 4:15am, 4:20am, 4:22am, and finally 4:37am... then again at 5:00am... then nothing untill I woke up at 6:30am from my alarm.
It is so very frustrating to realize a) it was all just a dream, you don't need to be doing all of this math right now, b) I couldn't find my pad and paper, and c) that it kept bloody happening. I was so tired when I woke up this morning it wasn't even funny. But on the other hand, I find that dream process rather interesting, as so have the couple people I have told it to... I wonder if it falls under the catagory of a nightmare? I wasn't afraid of anything, it was actually rather interesting, but unpleasnt and frustrting.
Note to self, and any readers... don't mix basic electronics or physics with Full Metal Panic! or Cowboy Bebop right before bed....
On the other hand... I am making advancement with a girl I am interested in at school... slowly, but only because I am being overly catious. My ego is slowly rebuilding, and before I know it, I may have myelf a date... here's lookin' up! Hopefully I don't wait too long and miss my oprotunity. Doors only stay open for so long before the breeze of time blows them shut, and keys rust. otherwise.. this is going to be a hellish next two weeks, with a electronics lab, a two-drawing concept project, a 4-page art history paper and a quiz, a compy art project, and my Electronics Mid-term all coming due at the end of this week, and beginning of next. Wich me luck... sanity, and for all the is holy.. sleep!
...Who am I to disagree? ... Travel the world and the seven seas... Everybody's is looking for somethin'! | | |
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